Dr. Rose Kumar's Blog

What is Midlife? What is Menopause? What is at stake?

What is our Conditioned-Self?  What is our Authentic-Self? How do they differ?

In my 22 year history as a physician who has worked with thousands of brave and courageous men and women with stories of wounding, suffering and healing, I can say that I have been able to identify the differences between these selves and the intrinsic power that emerges when one leaves the Conditioned for the Authentic Self.  The Conditioned-self is who you were told you SHOULD BE. The Authentic-Self is WHO YOU ARE.   For the first half of our lives, the Authentic-Self is buried beneath the Conditioned.  In the second half, we must re-emerge Authentic.

There is a powerful shift that occurs in midlife when our physiology and soul intersect at this gateway to make room for the REAL to emerge.  This creates a felt space between the Conditioned and Authentic selves.  The traction of the conditioned one pulls at us, urging us to behave from familiarity based in FEAR.  All the ‘shoulds’ fear us into staying stuck.  Fear is the feeling that adapts us in the first half of our lives.  We adapt to be accepted.  Adaptation conditions us. It creates a shell around our Authentic –self that waits patiently for us to awaken.  We learn to withhold our truth; we say ‘yes’ when we want to say ‘NO’. We over-ride our true feelings to be accepted and loved.  For decades we live this way.  We construct our lives from choices that emerge through our conditioning.  We become part of society’s ‘herd’.   We normalize this identity and close our eyes.

When we turn 40, something changes.  A soft whisper fleets through our body and mind, suddenly with no warning.  Sometimes we don’t really hear it, sometimes we try not to.  It beckons us to awaken, to bring LIGHT to our choices.  It says, ‘Who are you really?’  This frightens us.  If we don’t listen, it moves in deeper, rises stronger – as fire, as density -anxiety, depression –in our bellies, pulling us in.  We begin to sweat, to hot-flash; we awaken at 3 am with minds racing and fear coursing in this unknown place.  In the middle of the dark rises a whisper of comfort, the voice of our Soul pulling us in – to connect, to open, to awaken and deliver us finally to our Voice and our Truth.

If we do not listen, it may call to us as cancer, divorce, tragedy, devastation, that forces us inward to evaluate, deconstruct and  make ourselves new.

All this sorting and sifting, transforming and reinventing – THIS is midlife.

This is menopause.

This is not a sickness or a  deficiency. This is NOT a pathology.

This can NOT be medicated away.

This is HERE to stay and it will offer us the fire of alchemy into which we must step to make ourselves WHOLE.

The voice of the Authentic-Self will rise from ashes of the conditioned one as adaptations fall into the fire to be transformed.  If we willingly lean into this, our voice will emerge – FINALLY- the TRUE voice we will use to heal the world.

We will spread our wings and fly out from this fire into life again with wisdom and an inner eye that can never be closed.

Are you a midlife woman who doesn’t understand what is happening to your body and your mind?

Have you told your doctor how you’re feeling and were dismissed with medications or hormone replacement therapy?

Do you feel overwhelmed by the volume of information available about managing midlife and peri-menopause?

I am not only a practicing internist but a midlife woman.  I have been helping midlife women for over two decades with their menopausal symptoms and have gained significant personal insight about how little support is currently available for us.

During my forties I noticed my body and energy level change. I began to feel tired and heavy.  I also felt restless and had trouble sleeping through the night.  I looked for answers to these symptoms in my medical books and journal articles. I even went to my gynecologist to understand why I was feeling this way.  All she had for me were prescription drugs and hormone replacement therapy.  She told me that this is peri-menopause and that I have entered this category in midlife.  “It’s downhill from here” she said.  My visit was a huge disappointment.  As a scientist and a problem solver, I was determined to understand why I was having these symptoms and what I could do to restore my sense of health and well-being.

I found a lot written on this subject.  What I read though was theoretical but not practical and it did not address the deeper aspects of what I was looking for.  Why did my soul feel restless?  Why did I feel emotional ‘heaviness’?  Why was my body changing in this way and why were issues resurfacing that I thought were solved?  I was forty-two when I began to feel this way. I was an intelligent and a dynamic woman who had lived a very healthy lifestyle.  I had also created a successful medical practice and on the surface,  appeared to be at the top of my game.  Deep inside, I felt empty and disconnected.  My marriage felt deeply unsupportive and I found myself less able to tolerate the disrespectful ways I was being treated.  It was as if I was not able to compromise myself in order to adapt anymore.   My tolerance for the superficial was receding.  I found myself being more reactive and angry.

What I discovered was that hormonal shifts in my body that were normal during this stage of life brought with them emotional and soul shifts that were offering me an opportunity to take a look at my life from a deeper perspective.

This time in a woman’s life holds immense transformational power.  When a woman arrives at this gateway, her hormones shift, recalibrating her identity.  She is meant to question who she has pretended to be and move deep into her soul into her authentic self.  Our society deems this a ‘midlife crisis’.  I like to think of this as an alchemical process of becoming real.   Women need to learn how to take care of themselves through this gateway and beyond.  They need to learn how to use the framework of transformation to connect with their intrinsic power and truth.  At this juncture, women are in need of balance at all levels.  Most of us live unbalanced lives up to this point, neglecting to take care of themselves.  As their bodies change they are called to heal their self-neglect.

I would like to offer some simple solutions to support your midlife transformation:

1. Work with a physician who can help you balance your hormones, not replace them.  Bio-identical hormones are much safer alternatives to synthetic ones.  They can quickly restore your feeling of well-being when used correctly in small doses.
2. Acupuncture can make a significant difference in your well-being particularly if you are having a difficult time with menopausal symptoms such as hot flashes and night sweats.
3. Have your thyroid levels checked.  Make sure your physician orders a thyroid panel to give her a better understanding of the status of your thyroid as it can become sluggish during midlife.
4. Clean up your diet.  Change your diet to one that is mostly organic and plant based.  A plant based diet has been shown to significantly lower the risk of heart disease, diabetes and cancer, three of the most common diseases in midlife and beyond.
5. Begin taking omega-3 supplements and vitamin D.  They will decrease inflammation and strengthen your immune system, reducing the risk of disease.
6. Make aerobic exercise a priority.  At least 20 minutes of exercise, 6 days a week is needed for stress reduction and cardiac health.
7. Incorporate massage therapy, yoga and meditation in your life.  It helps heal stress and bring you closer into contact with your authentic self.
8. Work with a psychotherapist to gain a better understanding of your needs and desires and to dismantle the parts of you that no longer serve your life.
9. Make a commitment to be true to yourself and seek for a deeper sense of meaning every day.

I invite you to reframe midlife from a time of crisis to transformation.  The best years of your life are ahead of you.  Grace them with understanding and compassion so you can experience the power and sacredness of your authentic self.

Do you ever wonder why so many people are depressed? 1 in 10 Americans over the age of 12 are taking antidepressants. What has happened to us? In my medical practice, I see people every day who complain about feeling depressed. When I ask them if they can describe what their depression feels like, most of them describe feelings of loneliness, grief and trauma. A majority of my patients feel disconnected from the world. Even those who are surrounded by friends and family feel lonely. They tell me they feel un-witnessed. They are afraid to live from their true selves as it may be different from the ‘norm’. They adapt to the norm so they are not rejected or left out. They are afraid of being left alone in the world if they are authentic. They adapt in order to fit in. They compromise their true selves. This is the root of their loneliness.
As a physician I believe depression is over diagnosed and over treated. Loneliness, trauma and grief are mistaken for depression. When these conditions are medicated, they do not heal . All three of these conditions currently exist in epidemic proportions in our society. What is the cause of this?
I find the core feeling that arises from loneliness, trauma and grief, is a lack of safety. Most of my patients don’t feel safe in our world. This feeling creates stress. Stress can cause anxiety. Many begin to judge themselves for how they feel. This results in shame. This adds to the feeling of loneliness. The spiral this creates activates the fight-or-flight response. People become reactive when they are functioning at this level. They find it difficult to access deep emotions such as love and patience. Instead, they behave reactively through anger. They are in survival. This leads to feelings of emptiness and lack of meaning. This can lead to depression.
Two decades ago, I began to notice a difference in the way people related to each other. Prior to that, they had real interest in each other and were available for each other’s joys and sorrows. They had more meaningful presence in each other’s lives and truly cared about their fellow human beings. Currently, people don’t feel they are cared for. In our virtual world, there isn’t a real connection between people. The computers and cell phones that were designed to ease our lives are being used in ways that isolate us. Facebook does not create real connections. Text messaging is not real communication. Humans need each other in order to thrive. They need to feel that they matter.
Since the beginning of time, we have been there for each other in community. In order for us to heal our loneliness, we need to connect in a real way. Being real takes courage. It makes us vulnerable and transparent. This transparency exposes our true selves, our strengths and our weaknesses. It shows our authentic selves. This reveals our inner light. When we share our light, we heal.
I struggle with how modern medicine has failed to help our communities heal. Its approach merely manages our symptoms, but does not promote true healing. Only we can heal ourselves. Margaret Mead’s eternal words, “Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has” are worth embodying. I believe that when we heal our isolation with real and courageous connection with each other, our loneliness, trauma and grief will heal. When we bear witness to each other from our hearts, love will replace anger. Our life will once again, matter. This is the way we can heal our unsafe world. No prescription can replace the power of human connection.

In the heat of my midlife transformation, my children were in the heat of rebellion. As they pushed back to make their way in the world, my Soul pushed forward to make way for its own definition. Who I was and who they were arrived at this powerful gateway to be redesigned.
In heat of this fire we were all transformed. I knew their rebellion by heart. I had once been there and it had brought me here. Now, through this Soul gateway, their anger gave me permission to ‘LET GO’ to surrender to a greater life, a REAL life, a SOUL life. This was our alchemy.
The brutality of my divorce awakened me.
The heat of their rebellion transformed me.
This was midlife.
This was REBIRTH.
I was Becoming Real.
This poem poured out of me one night through my anguish and despair.
My Soul’s commitment to me and my children’s rebellion against me seemed precise.
We were all being birthed. There was a divine order in this chaos.
I had to trust it to feel safe again.

My Gift to You
(for my children)

I offer you my gift
despite
shaking knees and terror

I am becoming whole.

I have walked through the desert
for a hundred miles
repenting.

I am done with that.
If I am not good enough,
then so be it.

I offer you my gifts
of humanness,
of imperfection,
of not knowing,
of trying not to solve everything.

I stand in my truth.
I hold the shattered wall you push against.

I rebuild it with
my heart,
my hands,
my power and
my light.

I reclaim myself in all the broken places.

You help me with your wild rebellion,
rejection and
rage.

I offer you this wall.

It will be your protection and fortress,
to push against.
It will heal the tear.
It will bring you home.

Copyright 2013
Rose Kumar

“I surrendered my tired and broken self that could no longer
adapt and fell into the abyss with profound grief and despair. The
deep shock of betrayal dismantled my adapted life. Despite false
voices from the culture that told me to “get over it,” I chose to
feel every feeling to its true depth. This was the way my wounded
instinct and my feeling function would heal while I reconnected
with the voice of my soul and my real self. As I continued to heed
this voice, I grew stronger and my instinct was able to guide me in
directions that I would have never considered before.”

~Becoming Real: Harnessing the Power of Menopause for Health and Success.

In the middle of my life, I found myself in a gateway that I was not prepared for. After years of struggle in a marriage that did not honor my Real self, I found myself deeply betrayed. I remember the feeling inside when I uncovered the details of the betrayal. It was like someone had detonated a bomb inside my heart. I remember wailing for weeks and months wondering if there were enough tears to express my grief. My body surprised me. It overflowed.
I learned about the depth of grief from betrayal. It was a wound like no other. It moved around inside my soul and it made my insides raw. At times it felt like a jagged knife that was carving me into a different shape than what I embodied. It changed its face at whim. As time passed, it became more laser-like. It began to etch the lesson of discernment inside my soul. I would now be able to hold a standard for myself that valued my worth, my realness, my song. I would never allow anyone to dishonor me again. My intense grief had transmuted my battered and broken self into a fierceness that I had never known. The process itself was deeply sacred. I learned that even though I did not understand the process, trusting in it was enough. As I connected with it, it helped me realize that I mattered;  my pain and suffering mattered. It was up to me to do something positive with it. I needed to rewrite my story from a place of empowerment. I needed to make a difference in the world with what I had learned.

The Ommani Center’s core vision and mission was to bring peace to the world. When I founded it, I dedicated it to my maternal grandmother, Ram Rekhi Kapoor, who was killed during the India-Pakistan partition for being Hindu. She died at the hands of Muslims who were killing Hindus and Hindus were killing Muslims just the same. Millions of lives were needlessly taken and it accomplished nothing. India and Pakistan are still rivals and this accomplishes nothing. After I opened the Ommani Center, I donated a significant amount of money as a dedication to peace to the TKF foundation, founded by a Muslim father who lost his son to gang violence as a pizza delivery boy. This fathers heart broke and he created the TKF foundation with the guardian/grandfather of his son’s killer. It is in collaboration that we can accomplish peace. It is through self-care and self-respect that we can accomplish peace. Gandhi, Martin Luther King and many others dedicated their lives to non-violence and peace making. We underestimate our capacity to bring transformation and change to the world but it is within all of us. Every act of kindness to ourselves ripples into the world and every act of kindness to the world ripples back to ourselves. We must teach our children to respect each other, we must teach them how to collaborate, how to trust each other and how to treat themselves. We can only do this by mentoring it. After the recent crimes that have shaken our souls, we must ask ourselves what we can do to make a difference. I can tell you that the answer is simple….learn self-compassion. Don’t hide your shadow. Put it out there in the light. Seek. Stay AWAKE. Do your work on yourself and never give up on wholeness. You were born to be authentic. Leave the herd and start thinking for yourself. Follow your bliss. Do not compromise yourself to be accepted.Look for common ground with others. Exercise discernment. Pray for courage to do this and mentor this to others, especially your children.

I dedicate the vision of Ommani to this every day, with every patient I see and with every life I touch. Together, we can create the change that we want to see in the world. The time is now.

What does healthy love mean? How do I offer it to myself? In what ways do I show myself love?
Today is a day designated to celebrate Love – Love in relationship to others, not love of self. It is not possible to truly love another from a place of health unless one has a healthy relationship with oneself. I would like to suggest that we celebrate how we love ourselves today and redefine and reframe this day from commercialism to one of meaning. Love of self is love of one’s truth. Acting from self-compassion and kindness towards one’s self, eating healthy and vital foods and sensing one’s limits are all acts of self-love. Knowing how to balance one’s day between doing and being and honoring the gifts that one offers the world by just being oneself are also acts of self-love. Each one of us has a unique song, a unique soul that offers itself to the world. Let us celebrate this.
Be kind to yourself today and bring consciousness to how you offer love to yourself.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

~Derek Walcott